BREAKING NEWS: Jessica Simpson Is Not Particularly Intelligent

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If you’d like the clean the wax from your ears, try this: nothing. It’ll fall out on its own. Notice how you don’t go completely deaf every three months? The wax dries up as it gets closer to the edge of the canal and falls out in little crumbles. If you’ve really got an excess, and I’m talking about wax dripping onto your shoulders like dandruff, get this stuff. This may sound obvious, but do not stick a lit candle in your ear, thinking it will wick the wax out. That’s not how science works.

No one told Jessica Simpson that, but then again, what she doesn’t know could fill a book titled All Books Bound Into One Book. Her BFF, Ken Paves, bought her a set of “ear candles,” which are a dangerous, ineffective scam tool for removing wax from your ears. You stick the hollow cone-shaped candle into your ear, burn it down to right above your flesh, and then when you look inside, there’s residual wax from the candle you just burned, but it looks like wax that came out of your ear! It isn’t! People are idiots. Particularly the two in this video, which looks like a deleted scene from Saw.

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