1. Lady GaGa – “Grammy Awards 2010 Performance with Elton John
[This video is no longer available due to a copyrights claim by Grammys]
Thank God! I didn’t want to watch it to begin with. Thanks for making this normally laborious process 10% easier, Grammys.
2. Mariah Carey – Up Out My Face ft. Nicky Minaj
Every Mariah Carey song featuring a rapper could be remixed better by simply removing Mariah. Case in point: this. Nicky Minaj is dope, but damn, she has the weirdest way of pronouncing consonants I’ve ever heard from a rapper. To begin with, she actually pronounces her consonants, except for the “g”s at the end of words, because, come on, she’s still black. This song isn’t good.
3. Pink – “Grammys 2010”
[This video has been removed due to terms of use violation.]
Score! This is turning into Grant’s day off! Another video I didn’t want to watch or comment on. I wasn’t even up for copying and pasting the embed code. #epicwin
4. Mariah Carey – “Angels Cry ft. Ne-Yo”
This is a dial tone. Two clunkers in a row, Mariah. This brings your career total of bad songs to every song you’ve ever recorded except “Shake it Off” and “Obsessed.”
5. Avril Lavigne – “Alice [New Single HQ with Lyrics]”
This is one of those videos that’s really just a series of still photos. It’s also one of those songs that isn’t good. Avril Lavigne used to be great, if you didn’t know. Her first album has so many good songs on it. Check out “Nobody’s Fool” – it has the worst rapping you’ve ever heard in your life (“I’m not the milk and Cheerios in your spoon / It’s not a simple ‘here we go’ not so soon / I might have fallen for that when I was 14 / And a little more green / But it’s amazing what a couple of years can mean”) and a chorus so great it sounds like Noel Gallagher wrote it in 1995. This is just some psycho shouting nonsense.
6. Jos van Oss – “ZACHTE G HARDE L”
I’m watching these in order, and so far this is my favorite video if you don’t count the Lady GaGa and Pink videos I didn’t have to watch. This thing is insane, even more so if you don’t speak Dutch, like me and the other 99.99% of the world that doesn’t live in Holland. How has this thing amassed 623,000 views? Does it star their president? In this video for a catchy, incomprehensible ditty, some guy in a blond wig walks around Amsterdam. Don’t bother browsing the comments section for clarification, the only thing I gleaned from commenter iloveRKelly (“HAHAHAHA!! word je wakke sochtends vroeg.. hoor je dit op 538…leuk begin van de dag hahaha”) is that hahaha is the same in Dutch and she loves R. Kelly. This was filmed in Holland, so at least 30 Muslims have tried to murder this harmless goofball since I started typing this. Bob and weave, harmless goofball!
7. Ke$ha – Tik Tok (Official HQ Video + Lyrics)
[Embedding disabled by request]
Embedding disabled by request?! I hope someone else bothered to upload this thing to YouTube. * checks* Oh, good, “tik tok” returns 41,000 hits on YouTube. Even if you subtract the videos of people filming their watch, it’s still 21,000 uploads. I’m almost starting to get tired of this song. I can easily see its charms waning after an additional 30,000 listens. (That would bring the total to ten trillion listens.)
8. charlieissocoollike – “A Song About Love”
This is like if Ben Lee decided to skip the fantastic Noise Addict when he was young and just immediately start focusing his efforts on exclusively churning out pwecious twee cwap. Christ. I had to take a break twice while watching this thing. Folks, I beg you, let’s keep the “cute” in the cat videos where it belongs and the hell out of music. Ear bleach needed, and I’d prefer actual bleach, but we don’t have any in the office, so I’m going to have to listen to this until I forget it ever happened.
9. Taylor Swift – “Taylor Swift Valentines Day Music Video HD Two Is Better Than One Love Story Breathless Miley Cyrus”
I’m not done complaining about the previous video. It’s horrible. Okay, now on to complaining about this video: First, that title. I know putting more words in your title increases your chances of turning up in a search, but to the degree you’ve taken it here, you may as well title it “Taylor Swift Nude NASCAR crash Larry Bird’s best three-pointers Iraq beheading dog loves cat.” Second, have you ever seen that SNL sketch where it’s the nightly news on a cable station and the screen gets progressively more covered in news crawls, info graphics, stock tickers, and weather icons until you can barely see the newscaster, and then Tim Meadows says, “Now, let’s take a look at a T-100” and the metal Terminator skeleton pops up on screen and Tim says, “Yeah. That’s cool.” That’s what YouTube is turning into, except not funny, obviously. For the love of God, YouTube, limit the amount of crap people can lay over their videos. I don’t want a Taylor Swift ringtone. I am male. I don’t want ANY ringtones for the same reason. Furthermore, anyone who asks for favorable ratings and comments deserves one star and a comment of “stop comment whoring.” At the 1:48 mark, a talk balloon reading, “Please rate and comment! I worked on this for two weeks every day after school for U guys! I would love to know what you think! Thanks!” pops up, and I have to ask: worked doing what? Directing this video? Uploading it, which takes five minutes? Or plastering it with distracting, annoying pop-ups? Work on your homework.
10. Lady GaGa – “Lady GaGa Apologizes”
What a gyp. I had hoped this video would be Lady GaGa looking into the camera to say, “I just listened to my album. I’m sorry and goodbye” followed by a fade to black and gunshot, but it’s just her standing on stage addressing the audience at a concert at Purdue University to apologize for missing her previously scheduled date there. Apology not accepted. On a semi-related note, stop filming crap at concerts on your cell phone. We’ve come too far from the awful resolution of early YouTube to start actively filming in it. Furthermore, I don’t want my goddamn view obstructed by your hoisted Blackberry the two times annually I go to see live music. “Put your hands in the air” is not an exhortation to start bootlegging. Put your hands in your pockets. Now sit down.
No comments yet.