1. “Pants on the Ground”
2. “Sexy Swingers”
This is an episode of a web series where some guy comments on other YouTube videos. It’s like my writing on Starzlife, except unfunny and popular. YouTube videos should not include clips of other YouTube videos. The image quality of the average video is awful enough to begin with. It doesn’t need to be further degraded by video capturing software, then degraded again with a second upload, then degraded further by serving as fodder for someone trying to get famous by making fun of viral videos. I know, it’s hella meta for me to sit here griping about someone else doing what this post essentially is, but there are a few important differences: First, I’m doing this for drug money, not to get my name out there, which, by the way, isn’t really Grant. Second, my commentary is the entertaining part of these posts, not the videos themselves. I couldn’t wait for the guy doing this to stop making fun of the guy trying to throw a chair through a Burger King window and just replay the damn clip (at horrible re-ripped image quality). Final difference: I amuse me.
3. “I broke my Nexus One”
Here’s a video of some guy doing an over-the-top stereotypical Asian “me rikey fried rice” voice, but he’s actually Asian, so I can’t tell if he’s trying to be funny or just talking. It’s a faux-commercial for Google’s Nexus One phone and contains the line, “And did you know that the Nexus One has a five megapixura camera? So you can now take good picture of yourself and put it on Fukkybook and write that you are ugly so that people disagree with you, but really you are ugly.” That made me laugh, so this video is in the top .0000000001% of funniest YouTube videos.
4. General Larry Platt – Pants on the Ground!! Full HD!!
I bet “Pants on the Ground” will be funny forever. Don’t sign the first contract, Larry. This is the best image quality of “Pants on the Ground” I’ve seen on YouTube yet, and I say that as someone whose career has revolved primarily around watching the video for the past two days, so make sure you fully appreciate that proclamation’s authority and sadness.
5. “worst goalkeeper ever WTF”
All sports-related clips on YouTube’s comedy channel involve injury. Nancy Kerrigan’s assault and her stint as an SNL host would be filed next to each other. In this clip of a match from the African soccer league (already funny), a goaltender tries to avoid being kicked in the face and instead falls on his neck (rim shot). As the commenters point out, he did succeed in stopping the point, so he’s certainly not the worst goalkeeper ever wtf, but they failed to inform me who the hell Mozambique was playing against. I can’t read Arabic (I’m not even sure I can identify it – that stuff might be calligraphy), and I guessed that “BEN” meant “Bengal” until Google informed me that’s a cat, not a country. Turns out it’s “Benin.” Not one person in the Starzlife office had ever heard of this African country with a population of 8.5 million. And here I thought the only impoverished primarily black French-speaking hell hole was Haiti! You learn something new every day. (Today it was who’s directing the Spider-Man reboot.)
6. “Snookie punched again on Jersey Shore: Behind the Awesome!”
Two problems right off the bat. First, Jersey Shore is beyond parody. Second, the guys on Jersey Shore are funnier than these morons. Intentionally funnier. Situation saying that the fat girls who tried to barge their way into the house must have smelled food is funnier than anything these people have ever said or written, I guarantee you. This video has 1,342,220 views. The awful video it purports to be a behind-the-scenes look at, “Jersey Shore Parody Song,” has 849,180 views. What accounts for the additional 493,040 views? The words “Snookie punched” in the title. You could title footage of recess at British Parliament “Snookie punched” and get 300,000 views. It would be as misleading and disappointing as this video but funnier.
7. 1999/2009 (REMI GAILLARD)
C’est une compilation of various Jackass-style pranks, but it was shot in France, so I’m sure the mirth-makers responsible still received death threats from Muslims.
8. Chinese Guy gets B00B SPAMMED
Two examples = trend! Asian kids using the over-the-top stereotypical Asian “me rikey fried rice” voice is the new big thing on YouTube! How come when a bored Asian teenager does it, it’s funny, but when the person who answers the phone at Hoy’s Wok does it, it’s frustrating? It’s sort of like how I find the phrase “Dat ain’t what I axed you” funny when I say it, and disheartening when I hear it from a Goodwill employee. Oh, I see what makes it funny! The Asian teenagers and I can choose to stop.
9. Annoying Orange 5: More Annoying Orange
There’s a ton of these, they all involve violent death, and only 11-year-olds could possibly find them entertaining, so it’s kind of like if the Saw series weren’t profitable.
10. Jimmy Kimel DESTROYS Jay Leno as a guest on 10@10
More like Jimmy Kimmel DESTROYS audio sync. And nice image quality, too. What’s going on here, did the guy record the video with his cell phone and the audio with his walkman? Anyway, watch the clip. It’s funny.