Archive | Happy Birthday! RSS feed for this section


Happy Birthday, Amy Winehouse!

Feliz Cumpleaños, Amy Winehouse! The singer turns 26 today, despite having the voice and health of a 67 year old washwoman from the slums of Haiti. (I mean that in the best way possible). Eat a heroin-laced red velvet cupcake in her honor today!

Continue Reading Comments { 0 }

Karl Lagerfeld Celebrates Another Year of Hating Everything Except His Own Aesthetic

Iconic fashion designer Karl Lagerfeld celebrates his birthday today! Only he and Jesus know the true year of his birth though- some reports say 1933, some say 1938, some say he’s a vampire that cannot die and will live as long as Chanel is profitable. Herr Lagerfeld will celebrate by drinking Diet Coke and slamming […]

Continue Reading Comments { 0 }

Michael Jackson Would Have Turned 51 Today

Michael Jackson would have celebrated his 51st birthday today had he not passed in June. Pour out a little liquor and watch my favorite MJ song-

Continue Reading Comments { 1 }

Happy Birthday, Madonna!

Madonna, AKA Esther if you are a close Kabbalah friend, turns 51 today! She should celebrate by adopting an African baby and doing some cardio, do the things you love on your birthday! May I just say how stunning I think it is that a 51 year old woman is still relevant to the pop […]

Continue Reading Comments { 0 }

Happy Birthday, Miss Samantha!

Samantha Ronson, professional DJ andLilo‘s sometimes girlfriendJ, turns 32 today! Now any other girl would celebrate today by going out to an expensive restaurant, hitting up a club, drinking, maybe the DJ thinks they are cute so they get to spin a record or two, then they end up totally trashed and  making out with […]

Continue Reading Comments { 0 }

Happy Birthday, Mr. President!

Barack Obama turns 48 today! He should totally milk the “it’s my birthday!” thing during the day. Congress doesn’t want to pass his healthcare bill-  he should go to the Senate floor and yell, “but it’s my biiiiiiiiirthday!” and people roll their eyes but do it anyway. You know who else has a birthday today? […]

Continue Reading Comments { 0 }

J. LO turns the Big 4-oh

Jennifer Lopez turns forty today, but it’s Hollywood- she’ll be 39 for the next 5 years. Jennifer Lopez is truly the OG. She’s the original source of the nickname phenomenon of  “take the first initial then add the first syllable of the last name”, which gave us K.Fed, K. Hud, A.Rod, B. Oba (the Obama […]

Continue Reading Comments { 1 }

Happy Birthday, Daniel Radcliffe! Who? Harry Potter!

Daniel Radcliffe, AKA Harry Potter, turns 20 today! Hope you get all the things you wanted, like wizard staffs and messenger owls or whatever it is you wizards love! Note to Daniel: You can try all you want and you will forever be Harry Potter. You can go fully nude on Broadway and you will […]

Continue Reading Comments { 0 }

Happy Birthday, David Hasselhoff- Hats Hoff to You!

Happy Birthday to the ‘Hoff! He turns 57 today!  Don’t go too crazy, David! We don’t want you to have to go to the hospital for alcohol poisoning again. But feel free to go a little crazy and get drunk and eat a hamburger while you lounge half-naked on the floor.  Straddle the line, Hoff,  straddle […]

Continue Reading Comments { 2 }


Let me go on the record here saying I prepared this draft two weeks ago on September 20, just so I didn’t miss Ashlee Simpson‘s birthday.  Well her birthday is October 3rd and I missed it. Anyway,  Happy one day late 24th birthday Ashlee Simpson!!! My favorite Ashlee video, she looks hott with the blonde […]

Continue Reading Comments { 0 }